Random writings about several topics

• Puberty and adulthood;

A few weeks ago I finished high school, and although I have a lot to say about this stage and what I learned from it and what changed in it, in this writing I wanted to focus on a frightening change that I think will haunt me for the rest of my life

The end or the beginning? ; Although the secondary exams were only a month ago or less if we wanted to be precise, my memory of them is confused, because they were not that important to me frankly, yes I studied but not as much as everyone else and I could see the huge difference between my feelings about the exams and the feelings of the rest or most of the students about them, many of them considered it one of the fateful moments in their lives and I thought that this was an exaggeration because I had never met a person in my life who told me that his secondary school grade changed his life, for example, going back to the subject, the only day I remember clearly was the last day, although it was routine like the rest of the exam days, except that those few minutes that you take to leave the exam hall and go out of school realizing that you will not return again carry within them a lot of feelings, so many that you cannot understand them or even count them, but the only feeling that I was sure of and somewhat knew its source was loss, and when I left, one of my friends turned to me and said: I can't believe it, we finished secondary school! I don't know why this sentence in particular fell on my heart like a knife and since that day I have had a strange feeling of discomfort, a feeling of... responsibility? Yes I think that's the best way to describe it, I clearly remember this conversation with myself that lasted all the way home and even when I got home and tried to distract myself with the fact that school was over ("Yay!") but the feeling kept following me like an obnoxious adult pulling me along and reminding me that my teenage days were almost over if they weren't over at all.

What is fear originally?

Despite the simplicity of the question of what are you afraid of, I see it as one of the most difficult questions in the world, no matter the circumstance. I don't know if this is common among humans or if I am the only one who experiences this feeling, but every time I am afraid, I cannot specify what I am afraid of. Feelings and emotions overlap with each other and I do not know which one is responsible for the other. All of this leads to a terrible, overwhelming chaos that causes depression. I usually escape from this feeling by sleeping or talking to anyone to silence the voices of my mind a little, but it quickly returns and I realize that there is no escape from this feeling

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Adult Life;

After clarifying my problem with clarifying the reason for my main concern, I now clarify that these words are dealing with an inevitable reality, and I consider it an attempt to explore myself more or an attempt to understand it, so to speak, so in an attempt to determine what I am afraid of, I tried to look forward simply, of course all children in the world wish to grow up and this is without a doubt, but adolescence is different from childhood, I see it as a strange stage, I do not know how to describe it in a description that does not despise its role in forming a person, but in simple words I think that the major dilemma of adolescence is responsibility and consideration: How? Well, when you are a teenager you are in a stage between childhood and adulthood but you have distorted powers, responsibilities, duties and rights between these two stages, so when you are a teenager no one takes you seriously and at the same time you are expected to bear responsibilities and I see it as a kind of social contradiction, at least personally (as a male) I do not understand how society assumes that I am productive while it considers me a child and then blames me because my achievements are not much different from the achievements of children, it is like someone giving you a half-broken joystick and you are supposed to play with it and win while the one who gave it to you laughs at you if you lose and calls you a failure, and I think that is why I am afraid - that I am not taken seriously and I do not mean in daily dealings or people’s looks at me because I am somewhat good at these things, but I mean that my efforts or goals are belittled just because I lack some roles or a few numbers in addition to my age under twenty... simply idk.

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Bad realization ;

Two days ago I applied for a job and got an interview and was accepted (thank God) and I would like to talk about two important feelings I felt before and after the job

• Before the job

• It was a feeling of shame mixed with a strong desire to prove myself, and for the first time I understood the feeling of being unemployed, the strange thing is that I worked a lot in high school, simple part-time jobs with an average salary and I never felt that the job had a deeper meaning than just a source of money, perhaps because I know that whether I work or not I will be served a hot dinner and a warm bed at the end of the night, and although this situation is still ongoing, a strange feeling comes over me like that feeling when you know that your favorite series is two episodes away from ending without return

• After the job

• I think that this feeling is deeper than the previous one, it was simply a feeling or more accurately a realization that my life will change from now on, from now on I need to work not only for money but also for social status, and even the type of work matters. Someone might say: Why do you care about people's opinions? Etc., and this is a completely different topic that extends for hours and many people differ on it, but I answer simply that I care somewhat about a good social image (believe it or not) and although I am not ready to sacrifice my dreams for social status, for example, I am ready to do the small things that can improve them, returning to the feeling, I realized that day on my first day of work that I will have to (or may) do this for the rest of my life, and I do not mean that my work is bad, for example, on the contrary! I am grateful for my field of work, it is a field that I personally care about and I love developing in it and I am happy that I am able to work in something I love, but the feeling of management and control, the feeling that your life and part of your day is controlled by someone else, I absolutely cannot stand it and every time I remember it I get a headache It's terrible and nothing can save me from it except sleep.

This is what I can narrate from my mixed feelings in the greatest possible order, I know you are wondering why I cut off suddenly - Isn't it supposed to end this article with sensitive words, delicate feelings and a conclusion full of hope and optimism?

My dear, I told you before. These are pages I am trying to understand myself in and unfortunately - I still don't understand them